You, Me, Us

When I work with couples, or in my groups, confusion arises on why there isn't a greater sense of intimacy in their relationship.  I have started exploring a concept of where intimacy lives and defining what it is.

The premise is, in our very busy lives, there is her life, his life, the coupleship and the family, using heterosexual terms.  How can we be conscious of where, at any moment, in which category we are manifesting?  When exploring the couple's life together the first question I ask is - what do you do together?  What are the activities you do as a couple?  Many times I get answers such as, we watch our favorite T.V. shows together or we go to our kid's sporting events, and we like to take walks.  All well if there is a sense of connection and that both people experience this.  The next question is - what does connection look and feel like for each person?  What sensations do you get in your body with connection?  Does being connected with your partner differ from being connected with your children, friends, family?  Whether, the answer is yes or no, we can  be curious.  In what ways has your connection with your partner become comfortable, predictable or even boring?  Has the ritual or what you do together lost its spark or excitement/pleasure/  Do you need to explore another activity or find a way to breathe new life into the current one?  You may still be "ok" with aspects of your current couples life, but, if I asked him/her how happy they were, what would they say?

There are pieces of life we don't have control over and this is one area we can have direct and dramatic influence.  I invite you to engage in a conversation with your special person and talk about what brings you joy in life.  If she is spending non-work time primarily at the golf range and he is with the dog on walks - where do your likes, loves, passions bump up against each other?  Is the only place you connect in the bedroom?  Is how you connect and the amount you interact enough for both of you?  Once you both are honest with yourself, and then honest with each other, carve out the time - it will be worth it!