Trust is different than compassion, hope, fondness, caring and warmth. You can have these feelings for someone and still not trust them. As my previous post explored Brene Brown's break down of what trust is, there is another dynamic around trust.
There is no in between. We either trust of we don't. Like the scales below, you are either on one side or the other.
Let's say you completely trust your partner. And this trust has built over months or even years. Then one day, her phone rings, and she quickly answers it and hurries to the other room to talk, shutting the door behind her. In this moment, your mind either justifies why this is no threat to the relationship, or, you begin to wonder if something...is going on. And in that moment, trust is compromised. It isn't completely broken necessarily, but, now there is doubt that something is wrong and fear or anxiety may appear. You may go to your significant other and directly ask what is happening and may get an answer that eleviates suspicion and worry, then trust is restored, and no further thoughts of betrayal occur. (Back to the other side of the scale), or you are not happy with the interaction, not trusting and continue to be on guard, apprehensive, perhaps more irritable and angry.
Can we control how and when we trust or not? I, like many, would hope we could. However, latest research points to unconscious workings in our nervous system which is the ultimate determiner. Stephen Porges writes that when we are safe, neural networks in the body de-activate defensive responses. It is only when we have a feeling of safety that we then can calm down, connect and engage. In other words, we can trust again.
I would invite you to create a list of people who you think you truly trust. Not necessarily who you think you should trust, and notice how you feel emotionally and physically when you think of these people. Does your heart open? Do you get a warm comfy feeling? Do you take a deep breath and does your body relax. This is such a simple way to know how you are feeling about another person. If your breath catches, you feel you are on pins and needles, you get dizzy of feel dissociated, then trust may not be part of your experience, even though you may want it to be.
