Have you ever been in a relationship and despite the trials, you hang in there, until one day…and then it is as if a switch flips and you are detached, ambivalent, and flat. I have started referring to this as "The Switch".
I have also seen this in my professional life working with individuals who are in the divorce process. They are committed, invested in their partner's best interest even though they are separating, and then at some point, the process switches to "strictly business".
I have been asked if there is a way to "switch back". I believe the answer is yes. I use the metaphor of a fishing bobber. You know those red and white round floatations that tell you where the fishing hook is. They float around on top of the water, usually in a tranquil lake, sometimes to the left, sometimes to the right and constantly moving. When the person reassesses and agrees to engage in the relationship again, they connect but tentatively and can move towards or away from the other person in subtle ways.
The uncertainty and instability can be hard on the other person in the relationship, especially if they do not understand was is happening. This dynamic comes in to play with sex or porn addiction and the rebuilding of trust after a partner has found out about the secret activities. To go from the fishing bobber to a more secure place in the relationship, there needs to be connection, respect, caring, admiration and expression of love from the person who has created the harm. Whatever the infraction, the abandonment or overwhelm needs to be identified and addressed. There is a call for self-reflection and expression of unmet needs from both. Ironically, no matter how upset the rupture in relationships, I find both are craving the same pieces for connection.
Thanks for reading!
