Dynamic of Sex Addiction

The Switch

Have you ever been in a relationship and despite the trials, you hang in there, until one day…and then it is as if a switch flips and you are detached, ambivalent, and flat.  I have started referring to this as  "The Switch".

The interesting piece about this phenomena is that it doesn't seem to have a definitive precursor.  A friend of mine had been having problems in her relationship.  One day she asked her partner if he could make her some eggs due to her being rushed for work.  He said "no."  And at that moment she knew the relationship was over.

I have also seen this in my professional life working with individuals who are in the divorce process.  They are committed, invested in their partner's best interest even though they are separating, and then at some point, the process switches to "strictly business".

I have been asked if there is a way to "switch back".  I believe the answer is yes.  I use the metaphor of a fishing bobber.  You know those red and white round floatations that tell you where the fishing hook is.  They float around on top of the water, usually in a tranquil lake, sometimes to the left, sometimes to the right and constantly moving.  When the person reassesses and agrees to engage in the relationship again, they connect but tentatively and can move towards or away from the other person in subtle ways.

The uncertainty and instability can be hard on the other person in the relationship, especially if they do not understand was is happening.  This dynamic comes in to play with sex or porn addiction and the rebuilding of trust after a partner has found out about the secret activities.

To go from the fishing bobber to a more secure place in the relationship, there needs to be connection, respect, caring, admiration and expression of love from the person who has created the harm.  Whatever the infraction, the abandonment or overwhelm needs to be identified and addressed.  There is a call for self-reflection and expression of unmet needs from both.  Ironically, no matter how upset the rupture in relationships, I find both are craving the same pieces for connection.

Thanks for reading!

Brene Brown's definition of trust

Oprah Winfrey hosted a talk by Brene Brown on trust.  With sex addiction or infidelity trust is a key component in healing.  However isn't this an integral component in all relationships?  I believe trusting each other is a large part of being human.  Current theories abound with our being hard wired in our brains to attach to other human beings.  In 2015, this can become complicated with leaving our families to pursue employment opportunities, sometimes in other states or countries.  Technology can scramble the brain as to who we are "connected to".  Information coming from multiple sources can create an overwhelm to our nervous systems as can demands around family, friends, and jobs.

Brene Brown outlines what creates trust with a nice acronym, B-R-A-V-I-N-G.

• B - Boundaries
• R - Reliability
• A - Accountability
• V - (the) Vault
• I - Integrity
• N - Non-judgement
• G - Generosity

Boundaries - This seems to have a negative connotation when I talk with people.  Stating where you stand allows others to become safe and know where they stand.

Reliability - Brene says this is you do what you say you are going to do and you do that over and over again.  I think of consistency when I hear this.

Accountability - this is about owning your part of things; apologizing when we make mistakes and making amends.

Vault - What I heard was, put simply, don't gossip.  And Brene explained it as 'what you share with me, I will hold in confidence'. And when someone else shares something, I do not share it with you or anyone else.

Integrity - Putting courage over comfort, practicing your values and putting right over fun, fast and easy.

Non-Judgement - Not having judgement and also being vulnerable enough to ask for help.  So, not being judgmental towards yourself or others is how I see this.

Generosity - Assume the most generous thing.  This rings with giving people the benefit of a doubt.  Some may think this is naive, however would you rather be suspicious or benevolent?

Without trust, there is not connection. Without connection there is no intimacy which is what we all, on a core level, crave.  Maybe we can each take some time in the coming week to do a check on how we are living our lives according to Brown's BRAVING elements.