Dynamic of Sex Addiction

The Switch

Have you ever been in a relationship and despite the trials, you hang in there, until one day…and then it is as if a switch flips and you are detached, ambivalent, and flat.  I have started referring to this as  "The Switch".

The interesting piece about this phenomena is that it doesn't seem to have a definitive precursor.  A friend of mine had been having problems in her relationship.  One day she asked her partner if he could make her some eggs due to her being rushed for work.  He said "no."  And at that moment she knew the relationship was over.

I have also seen this in my professional life working with individuals who are in the divorce process.  They are committed, invested in their partner's best interest even though they are separating, and then at some point, the process switches to "strictly business".

I have been asked if there is a way to "switch back".  I believe the answer is yes.  I use the metaphor of a fishing bobber.  You know those red and white round floatations that tell you where the fishing hook is.  They float around on top of the water, usually in a tranquil lake, sometimes to the left, sometimes to the right and constantly moving.  When the person reassesses and agrees to engage in the relationship again, they connect but tentatively and can move towards or away from the other person in subtle ways.

The uncertainty and instability can be hard on the other person in the relationship, especially if they do not understand was is happening.  This dynamic comes in to play with sex or porn addiction and the rebuilding of trust after a partner has found out about the secret activities.

To go from the fishing bobber to a more secure place in the relationship, there needs to be connection, respect, caring, admiration and expression of love from the person who has created the harm.  Whatever the infraction, the abandonment or overwhelm needs to be identified and addressed.  There is a call for self-reflection and expression of unmet needs from both.  Ironically, no matter how upset the rupture in relationships, I find both are craving the same pieces for connection.

Thanks for reading!

BrainSpotting for sex addiction

I recently gave a talk for RMBI the Rocky Mountain BrainSpotting Institute and was asked if I could create a blog.   My presentation was on sex addiction and resulting spousal trauma.  For ease of writing I will be referring to the SA, sex addict, as “him” and the Partner as “her”, however I see clients along the sexuality spectrum.  Most sex addicts, (SA), come in after their secret life has been found out.  This time is most commonly referred to as Discovery.  There is a lot happening for both the SA and the Partner – the SA experiences shock and stress as his two worlds collide.  There is usually some relief that the secret is out.  The Partner also experiences shock and disbelief as she finds out her partner has a hidden life.  We now know she goes into a freeze response and becomes traumatized on many different levels.  We also know he goes into similar shock which can cause denial and minimization with the breadth and length of his behaviors.

I am asked if sex addiction is the same as other addictions such as alcoholism, drug addiction, and gambling.  The answer is yes…and no.  To qualify for an addiction there are certain criteria that are met.  These include a loss of control, previous attempts to stop, loss of time in the addiction, preoccupation, an inability to fulfill obligations, continuing with the behavior despite negative consequences, an escalation, social, occupational and recreational losses, and withdrawal.  The reason it is different is that you can be angry with your partner if they are drunk every night.  And feelings are intense if your home is in jeopardy from a gambling addiction.  However, when your loved one chooses someone else to be sexual with, and this includes images as well as real people, there is a sense of rejection, humiliation and shame that is incomparable.

There is a common expectation that when the secret life of the addict is found out that the partner will be surprised or in some sort of shock, for a while, but then she will be able to quickly and competently look at her part of the problem.  What we are now finding is that the effects on the partner are quite severe and are categorized as Complex PTSD.  I shared an article by Dr. Omar Minwalla entitled Thirteen Dimensions of Sex Addiction-Induced Trauma (SAIT) among Partners and Spouses Impacted by Sex Addiction.  This article can be found on-line.  The thirteen dimensions follow:

            Discovery Trauma

            Disclosure Trauma

            Reality-Ego Fragmentation

            Impact to Body and Medical Intersection

            External Crisis and Destabilization

            SAIT Hyper vigilance and Re-Experiencing

            Dynamics of Perpetration, Violation and Abuse (SAIP)

            Sexual Trauma

            Gender Wounds and Gender-Based Trauma (GBT)

            Relational Trauma and Attachment Injuries

            Family, Communal and Social Injuries

            Treatment-Induced Trauma

            Existential and Spiritual Trauma

In the presentation we went into greater explanation around Disclosure Trauma, Sexual Trauma, Treatment-Induced Trauma and Existential Trauma.  Throughout the presentation my intent was to highlight entry points for Brainspotting.  I talked about Treatment-Induced trauma since I have many couples coming to me after they have been to other therapists.  A common mistake among some couples’ therapists is to treat “an affair” as a one-off without seeking further to see if there is a compulsive pattern around sex and sexuality.  As a certified sex addiction therapist, I have clients complete a 400+ questionnaire that compiles the data to determine if there is sex addiction and to what extent as well as identify attachment style, specific problem areas around the addiction and quantifying motivation for change.  I was asked where participants could find this assessment.  It is only available to CSATs however I was asked the wonderful question if I would collaborate with other therapists and the answer is “YES’!  What a wonderful idea! 

We talked about one event with sex addiction and spousal trauma being multi-pronged.  I am finding that I clear one event, let’s say when the partner discovers or when the addict is discovered and shame is one BSP point.  But then later another aspect of the discovery will pop up with not being confident in knowing their inner voice, for the spouse, for example.   The main point is being aware of different dimensions that are attached to one trauma with varying visual points for both the SA and the partner.

I talked about the book I wrote and published entitled Letters To A Sex Addict: The Journey Through Grief and Betrayal, which is available through me directly or through Amazon and Kindle.  www.amazon.com or www.wendyconquest.com.

The book gives a visceral experience of what the partner is going through.  She may experience isolation, rejection, invalidation from friends and family, church and the culture.  Confusion, shame and despair result.  I encourage therapists to have the partner read the book and highlight parts that are applicable to them and then Brainspot those.  Clinicians have the SA read the book to increase empathy and work on his shame targets.  Couples therapists use the book in session as a path to talk about the betrayal.  There is a short but thorough explanation of sex addiction in the introduction.  If you have any questions after reading the book please e-mail me!  This book is the only read which accurately reflects all the aspects of the spouses’ experience.

We talked about special considerations with BSP with the partner.  I start by having them listen to the bilateral sounds and see if they calm down or if their anxiety increases.  If anxiety increases I emphasize somatic pieces with grounding and getting them more stable before proceeding with Brainspotting.  If they calm down I start with the resource eye on a resource spot.  I am checking in with the body, not with their interpretation if they are “ok” or feeling “good”.  From there I move to different pieces of whatever the current struggle is, whether that be “I hate him touching me” to “I don’t feel safe”.  Because the addict usually is learning to distinguish between reality and dishonesty, many times in early recovery he is not yet safe to the partner.  I want to now help her clear the trauma to get her instincts back on-line. 

For the addicts, we are going back into history to find out where the link between safety and sex, acceptance and sex began.  This might be masturbating to calm down when mom and dad were fighting, or using pornography to calm social anxiety.  Perhaps a fetish started with neglect from mom and dad.  I want him to know that the addiction is a very old and ineffective coping mechanism and that that is not who he authentically is.  Sometimes I will start with more current trauma points such as the addiction being discovered, feelings of worthlessness with causing pain to their partners, or feeling inept, in general.

I announced the opening of my center, SACC, The Sex Addiction Counseling Center which is in Boulder.  I have two therapists currently working for me and have the ambition to start a program for teens struggling with pornography in 2016.  Please visit the web site at www.SACC.center to learn more! 

Thank you so much for reading this blog!

Dancing Into Intimacy

Dancing Into Intimacy Workshop will be on June 7, 2015, Sunday from 9:30 a.m.  until 12:30 p.m.  The title sums up the essence of what we are doing.  Increasing intimacy is a basic desire for most couples.  However intimacy requires connection.  With sex addiction, but also what I am finding with couples in general, is that both people are not sure of what their role is in the relationship.  Communication has become ridden with misunderstanding, unresolved hurt feelings and protective mechanisms that inhibit warmth, connection, enjoyment and passion.  In this workshop we will be working with how it feels to come together with one person taking "the lead" and the other taking "the follow".  We play with switching off these energies through the morning.  When doing this work with individual couples comments such as "I feel so confident." and "I feel beautiful." also "We haven't connected like this in years!" are expressed.

I partner with a certified dance instructor, Allison Johnson, who is an expert in bringing out the best in people through partner dancing.  She is patient, competent and an amazing dancer.  I, as the psychotherapist, watch for all the subtleties that happen the moment the couple comes onto the dance floor.  Does her body say she is scared?  Does his body say he isn't fully in the relationship?  Do both stop breathing when they come into contact signaling anxiety, apprehension, a lack of trust?  Once revealed, we can work with all of it to invite some vulnerability, perhaps a lot of courage, clarity, and a whole lot of fun!

I am inviting all who would like to attend, therapists included.  Couples and individuals both can attend to learn more about yourself in relationship.  At least one insight is guaranteed! No dance experience is necessary.

Price is $149.00 per person.  Healthy snack, tea and coffee provided during a brief break.  Register at www.wendyconquest.com on the Payments Page.  See you there!