To Trust or Not to Trust...

I think we can agree that trust is one, if not the, cornerstone to important relationships.  Any relationship.  I get asked "when will I be able to trust again?"  "Will she ever be able to trust me?"  Partners who have experienced betrayal will ask themselves if they really are trusting their loved one, or not.

Trust is different than compassion, hope, fondness, caring and warmth.  You can have these feelings for someone and still not trust them.  As my previous post explored Brene Brown's break down of what trust is, there is another dynamic around trust.

There is no in between.  We either trust of we don't.  Like the scales below, you are either on one side or the other.

Let's say you completely trust your partner.  And this trust has built over months or even years.  Then one day, her phone rings, and she quickly answers it and hurries to the other room to talk, shutting the door behind her.  In this moment, your mind either justifies why this is no threat to the relationship, or, you begin to wonder if something...is going on.  And in that moment, trust is compromised.  It isn't completely broken necessarily, but, now there is doubt that something is wrong and fear or anxiety may appear.  You may go to your significant other and directly ask what is happening and may get an answer that eleviates suspicion and worry, then trust is restored, and no further thoughts of betrayal occur.  (Back to the other side of the scale), or you are not happy with the interaction, not trusting and continue to be on guard, apprehensive, perhaps more irritable and angry.

Can we control how and when we trust or not?  I, like many, would hope we could.  However, latest research points to unconscious workings in our nervous system which is the ultimate determiner.  Stephen Porges writes that when we are safe, neural networks in the body de-activate defensive responses.  It is only when we have a feeling of safety that we then can calm down, connect and engage.  In other words, we can trust again.  

I would invite you to create a list of people who you think you truly trust.  Not necessarily who you think you should trust, and notice how you feel emotionally and physically when you think of these people.  Does your heart open?  Do you get a warm comfy feeling?  Do you take a deep breath and does your body relax.  This is such a simple way to know how you are feeling about another person.  If your breath catches, you feel you are on pins and needles, you get dizzy of feel dissociated, then trust may not be part of your experience, even though you may want it to be.

BrainSpotting for sex addiction

I recently gave a talk for RMBI the Rocky Mountain BrainSpotting Institute and was asked if I could create a blog.   My presentation was on sex addiction and resulting spousal trauma.  For ease of writing I will be referring to the SA, sex addict, as “him” and the Partner as “her”, however I see clients along the sexuality spectrum.  Most sex addicts, (SA), come in after their secret life has been found out.  This time is most commonly referred to as Discovery.  There is a lot happening for both the SA and the Partner – the SA experiences shock and stress as his two worlds collide.  There is usually some relief that the secret is out.  The Partner also experiences shock and disbelief as she finds out her partner has a hidden life.  We now know she goes into a freeze response and becomes traumatized on many different levels.  We also know he goes into similar shock which can cause denial and minimization with the breadth and length of his behaviors.

I am asked if sex addiction is the same as other addictions such as alcoholism, drug addiction, and gambling.  The answer is yes…and no.  To qualify for an addiction there are certain criteria that are met.  These include a loss of control, previous attempts to stop, loss of time in the addiction, preoccupation, an inability to fulfill obligations, continuing with the behavior despite negative consequences, an escalation, social, occupational and recreational losses, and withdrawal.  The reason it is different is that you can be angry with your partner if they are drunk every night.  And feelings are intense if your home is in jeopardy from a gambling addiction.  However, when your loved one chooses someone else to be sexual with, and this includes images as well as real people, there is a sense of rejection, humiliation and shame that is incomparable.

There is a common expectation that when the secret life of the addict is found out that the partner will be surprised or in some sort of shock, for a while, but then she will be able to quickly and competently look at her part of the problem.  What we are now finding is that the effects on the partner are quite severe and are categorized as Complex PTSD.  I shared an article by Dr. Omar Minwalla entitled Thirteen Dimensions of Sex Addiction-Induced Trauma (SAIT) among Partners and Spouses Impacted by Sex Addiction.  This article can be found on-line.  The thirteen dimensions follow:

            Discovery Trauma

            Disclosure Trauma

            Reality-Ego Fragmentation

            Impact to Body and Medical Intersection

            External Crisis and Destabilization

            SAIT Hyper vigilance and Re-Experiencing

            Dynamics of Perpetration, Violation and Abuse (SAIP)

            Sexual Trauma

            Gender Wounds and Gender-Based Trauma (GBT)

            Relational Trauma and Attachment Injuries

            Family, Communal and Social Injuries

            Treatment-Induced Trauma

            Existential and Spiritual Trauma

In the presentation we went into greater explanation around Disclosure Trauma, Sexual Trauma, Treatment-Induced Trauma and Existential Trauma.  Throughout the presentation my intent was to highlight entry points for Brainspotting.  I talked about Treatment-Induced trauma since I have many couples coming to me after they have been to other therapists.  A common mistake among some couples’ therapists is to treat “an affair” as a one-off without seeking further to see if there is a compulsive pattern around sex and sexuality.  As a certified sex addiction therapist, I have clients complete a 400+ questionnaire that compiles the data to determine if there is sex addiction and to what extent as well as identify attachment style, specific problem areas around the addiction and quantifying motivation for change.  I was asked where participants could find this assessment.  It is only available to CSATs however I was asked the wonderful question if I would collaborate with other therapists and the answer is “YES’!  What a wonderful idea! 

We talked about one event with sex addiction and spousal trauma being multi-pronged.  I am finding that I clear one event, let’s say when the partner discovers or when the addict is discovered and shame is one BSP point.  But then later another aspect of the discovery will pop up with not being confident in knowing their inner voice, for the spouse, for example.   The main point is being aware of different dimensions that are attached to one trauma with varying visual points for both the SA and the partner.

I talked about the book I wrote and published entitled Letters To A Sex Addict: The Journey Through Grief and Betrayal, which is available through me directly or through Amazon and Kindle.  www.amazon.com or www.wendyconquest.com.

The book gives a visceral experience of what the partner is going through.  She may experience isolation, rejection, invalidation from friends and family, church and the culture.  Confusion, shame and despair result.  I encourage therapists to have the partner read the book and highlight parts that are applicable to them and then Brainspot those.  Clinicians have the SA read the book to increase empathy and work on his shame targets.  Couples therapists use the book in session as a path to talk about the betrayal.  There is a short but thorough explanation of sex addiction in the introduction.  If you have any questions after reading the book please e-mail me!  This book is the only read which accurately reflects all the aspects of the spouses’ experience.

We talked about special considerations with BSP with the partner.  I start by having them listen to the bilateral sounds and see if they calm down or if their anxiety increases.  If anxiety increases I emphasize somatic pieces with grounding and getting them more stable before proceeding with Brainspotting.  If they calm down I start with the resource eye on a resource spot.  I am checking in with the body, not with their interpretation if they are “ok” or feeling “good”.  From there I move to different pieces of whatever the current struggle is, whether that be “I hate him touching me” to “I don’t feel safe”.  Because the addict usually is learning to distinguish between reality and dishonesty, many times in early recovery he is not yet safe to the partner.  I want to now help her clear the trauma to get her instincts back on-line. 

For the addicts, we are going back into history to find out where the link between safety and sex, acceptance and sex began.  This might be masturbating to calm down when mom and dad were fighting, or using pornography to calm social anxiety.  Perhaps a fetish started with neglect from mom and dad.  I want him to know that the addiction is a very old and ineffective coping mechanism and that that is not who he authentically is.  Sometimes I will start with more current trauma points such as the addiction being discovered, feelings of worthlessness with causing pain to their partners, or feeling inept, in general.

I announced the opening of my center, SACC, The Sex Addiction Counseling Center which is in Boulder.  I have two therapists currently working for me and have the ambition to start a program for teens struggling with pornography in 2016.  Please visit the web site at www.SACC.center to learn more! 

Thank you so much for reading this blog!