Dynamic of Sex Addiction

The Switch

Have you ever been in a relationship and despite the trials, you hang in there, until one day…and then it is as if a switch flips and you are detached, ambivalent, and flat.  I have started referring to this as  "The Switch".

The interesting piece about this phenomena is that it doesn't seem to have a definitive precursor.  A friend of mine had been having problems in her relationship.  One day she asked her partner if he could make her some eggs due to her being rushed for work.  He said "no."  And at that moment she knew the relationship was over.

I have also seen this in my professional life working with individuals who are in the divorce process.  They are committed, invested in their partner's best interest even though they are separating, and then at some point, the process switches to "strictly business".

I have been asked if there is a way to "switch back".  I believe the answer is yes.  I use the metaphor of a fishing bobber.  You know those red and white round floatations that tell you where the fishing hook is.  They float around on top of the water, usually in a tranquil lake, sometimes to the left, sometimes to the right and constantly moving.  When the person reassesses and agrees to engage in the relationship again, they connect but tentatively and can move towards or away from the other person in subtle ways.

The uncertainty and instability can be hard on the other person in the relationship, especially if they do not understand was is happening.  This dynamic comes in to play with sex or porn addiction and the rebuilding of trust after a partner has found out about the secret activities.

To go from the fishing bobber to a more secure place in the relationship, there needs to be connection, respect, caring, admiration and expression of love from the person who has created the harm.  Whatever the infraction, the abandonment or overwhelm needs to be identified and addressed.  There is a call for self-reflection and expression of unmet needs from both.  Ironically, no matter how upset the rupture in relationships, I find both are craving the same pieces for connection.

Thanks for reading!

To Trust or Not to Trust...

I think we can agree that trust is one, if not the, cornerstone to important relationships.  Any relationship.  I get asked "when will I be able to trust again?"  "Will she ever be able to trust me?"  Partners who have experienced betrayal will ask themselves if they really are trusting their loved one, or not.

Trust is different than compassion, hope, fondness, caring and warmth.  You can have these feelings for someone and still not trust them.  As my previous post explored Brene Brown's break down of what trust is, there is another dynamic around trust.

There is no in between.  We either trust of we don't.  Like the scales below, you are either on one side or the other.

Let's say you completely trust your partner.  And this trust has built over months or even years.  Then one day, her phone rings, and she quickly answers it and hurries to the other room to talk, shutting the door behind her.  In this moment, your mind either justifies why this is no threat to the relationship, or, you begin to wonder if something...is going on.  And in that moment, trust is compromised.  It isn't completely broken necessarily, but, now there is doubt that something is wrong and fear or anxiety may appear.  You may go to your significant other and directly ask what is happening and may get an answer that eleviates suspicion and worry, then trust is restored, and no further thoughts of betrayal occur.  (Back to the other side of the scale), or you are not happy with the interaction, not trusting and continue to be on guard, apprehensive, perhaps more irritable and angry.

Can we control how and when we trust or not?  I, like many, would hope we could.  However, latest research points to unconscious workings in our nervous system which is the ultimate determiner.  Stephen Porges writes that when we are safe, neural networks in the body de-activate defensive responses.  It is only when we have a feeling of safety that we then can calm down, connect and engage.  In other words, we can trust again.  

I would invite you to create a list of people who you think you truly trust.  Not necessarily who you think you should trust, and notice how you feel emotionally and physically when you think of these people.  Does your heart open?  Do you get a warm comfy feeling?  Do you take a deep breath and does your body relax.  This is such a simple way to know how you are feeling about another person.  If your breath catches, you feel you are on pins and needles, you get dizzy of feel dissociated, then trust may not be part of your experience, even though you may want it to be.

Brene Brown's definition of trust

Oprah Winfrey hosted a talk by Brene Brown on trust.  With sex addiction or infidelity trust is a key component in healing.  However isn't this an integral component in all relationships?  I believe trusting each other is a large part of being human.  Current theories abound with our being hard wired in our brains to attach to other human beings.  In 2015, this can become complicated with leaving our families to pursue employment opportunities, sometimes in other states or countries.  Technology can scramble the brain as to who we are "connected to".  Information coming from multiple sources can create an overwhelm to our nervous systems as can demands around family, friends, and jobs.

Brene Brown outlines what creates trust with a nice acronym, B-R-A-V-I-N-G.

• B - Boundaries
• R - Reliability
• A - Accountability
• V - (the) Vault
• I - Integrity
• N - Non-judgement
• G - Generosity

Boundaries - This seems to have a negative connotation when I talk with people.  Stating where you stand allows others to become safe and know where they stand.

Reliability - Brene says this is you do what you say you are going to do and you do that over and over again.  I think of consistency when I hear this.

Accountability - this is about owning your part of things; apologizing when we make mistakes and making amends.

Vault - What I heard was, put simply, don't gossip.  And Brene explained it as 'what you share with me, I will hold in confidence'. And when someone else shares something, I do not share it with you or anyone else.

Integrity - Putting courage over comfort, practicing your values and putting right over fun, fast and easy.

Non-Judgement - Not having judgement and also being vulnerable enough to ask for help.  So, not being judgmental towards yourself or others is how I see this.

Generosity - Assume the most generous thing.  This rings with giving people the benefit of a doubt.  Some may think this is naive, however would you rather be suspicious or benevolent?

Without trust, there is not connection. Without connection there is no intimacy which is what we all, on a core level, crave.  Maybe we can each take some time in the coming week to do a check on how we are living our lives according to Brown's BRAVING elements.

You, Me, Us

When I work with couples, or in my groups, confusion arises on why there isn't a greater sense of intimacy in their relationship.  I have started exploring a concept of where intimacy lives and defining what it is.

The premise is, in our very busy lives, there is her life, his life, the coupleship and the family, using heterosexual terms.  How can we be conscious of where, at any moment, in which category we are manifesting?  When exploring the couple's life together the first question I ask is - what do you do together?  What are the activities you do as a couple?  Many times I get answers such as, we watch our favorite T.V. shows together or we go to our kid's sporting events, and we like to take walks.  All well if there is a sense of connection and that both people experience this.  The next question is - what does connection look and feel like for each person?  What sensations do you get in your body with connection?  Does being connected with your partner differ from being connected with your children, friends, family?  Whether, the answer is yes or no, we can  be curious.  In what ways has your connection with your partner become comfortable, predictable or even boring?  Has the ritual or what you do together lost its spark or excitement/pleasure/  Do you need to explore another activity or find a way to breathe new life into the current one?  You may still be "ok" with aspects of your current couples life, but, if I asked him/her how happy they were, what would they say?

There are pieces of life we don't have control over and this is one area we can have direct and dramatic influence.  I invite you to engage in a conversation with your special person and talk about what brings you joy in life.  If she is spending non-work time primarily at the golf range and he is with the dog on walks - where do your likes, loves, passions bump up against each other?  Is the only place you connect in the bedroom?  Is how you connect and the amount you interact enough for both of you?  Once you both are honest with yourself, and then honest with each other, carve out the time - it will be worth it!

Building More Fulfilling Relationships - The Bridge

There is a concept that has been coming into my sessions with clients when we are talking about their relationships.  I often, along with the people I work with, see things in pictures.  The image of a bridge has surfaced.  A bridge links one piece of land or matter to another.  The link can be over water, sometimes a stream and then perhaps a part of the ocean; a deep gorge; somewhere in the jungle; or within a building.  If you look at your relationship as a bridge, what type is it?  What is the first thought that comes into your mind?  Does the thought of something like the London Bridge come up?  Or perhaps one of those old, mossy foot bridges that sway when you step on it.  Could it be a covered wooden bridge?  And, is this what you want it to be?  If not, what needs to happen to change the look and feel of this relationship representation?

We can also look at the pieces that make up your bridge with your loved one?  Is it that you laugh a lot together and enjoy gardening?  Is it that you both are great parents together and love to cook?  Perhaps you like the same t.v. shows, going out to dinner and have a wonderful sexual connection?  Are there parts to the bridge that could be stronger - or more flexible?  Are there some places in the connection that need to be repaired?

I invite you to try on this exercise.  Let me know how it goes.  I would welcome hearing your experience.