To Trust or Not to Trust...

I think we can agree that trust is one, if not the, cornerstone to important relationships.  Any relationship.  I get asked "when will I be able to trust again?"  "Will she ever be able to trust me?"  Partners who have experienced betrayal will ask themselves if they really are trusting their loved one, or not.

Trust is different than compassion, hope, fondness, caring and warmth.  You can have these feelings for someone and still not trust them.  As my previous post explored Brene Brown's break down of what trust is, there is another dynamic around trust.

There is no in between.  We either trust of we don't.  Like the scales below, you are either on one side or the other.

Let's say you completely trust your partner.  And this trust has built over months or even years.  Then one day, her phone rings, and she quickly answers it and hurries to the other room to talk, shutting the door behind her.  In this moment, your mind either justifies why this is no threat to the relationship, or, you begin to wonder if something...is going on.  And in that moment, trust is compromised.  It isn't completely broken necessarily, but, now there is doubt that something is wrong and fear or anxiety may appear.  You may go to your significant other and directly ask what is happening and may get an answer that eleviates suspicion and worry, then trust is restored, and no further thoughts of betrayal occur.  (Back to the other side of the scale), or you are not happy with the interaction, not trusting and continue to be on guard, apprehensive, perhaps more irritable and angry.

Can we control how and when we trust or not?  I, like many, would hope we could.  However, latest research points to unconscious workings in our nervous system which is the ultimate determiner.  Stephen Porges writes that when we are safe, neural networks in the body de-activate defensive responses.  It is only when we have a feeling of safety that we then can calm down, connect and engage.  In other words, we can trust again.  

I would invite you to create a list of people who you think you truly trust.  Not necessarily who you think you should trust, and notice how you feel emotionally and physically when you think of these people.  Does your heart open?  Do you get a warm comfy feeling?  Do you take a deep breath and does your body relax.  This is such a simple way to know how you are feeling about another person.  If your breath catches, you feel you are on pins and needles, you get dizzy of feel dissociated, then trust may not be part of your experience, even though you may want it to be.

Brene Brown's definition of trust

Oprah Winfrey hosted a talk by Brene Brown on trust.  With sex addiction or infidelity trust is a key component in healing.  However isn't this an integral component in all relationships?  I believe trusting each other is a large part of being human.  Current theories abound with our being hard wired in our brains to attach to other human beings.  In 2015, this can become complicated with leaving our families to pursue employment opportunities, sometimes in other states or countries.  Technology can scramble the brain as to who we are "connected to".  Information coming from multiple sources can create an overwhelm to our nervous systems as can demands around family, friends, and jobs.

Brene Brown outlines what creates trust with a nice acronym, B-R-A-V-I-N-G.

• B - Boundaries
• R - Reliability
• A - Accountability
• V - (the) Vault
• I - Integrity
• N - Non-judgement
• G - Generosity

Boundaries - This seems to have a negative connotation when I talk with people.  Stating where you stand allows others to become safe and know where they stand.

Reliability - Brene says this is you do what you say you are going to do and you do that over and over again.  I think of consistency when I hear this.

Accountability - this is about owning your part of things; apologizing when we make mistakes and making amends.

Vault - What I heard was, put simply, don't gossip.  And Brene explained it as 'what you share with me, I will hold in confidence'. And when someone else shares something, I do not share it with you or anyone else.

Integrity - Putting courage over comfort, practicing your values and putting right over fun, fast and easy.

Non-Judgement - Not having judgement and also being vulnerable enough to ask for help.  So, not being judgmental towards yourself or others is how I see this.

Generosity - Assume the most generous thing.  This rings with giving people the benefit of a doubt.  Some may think this is naive, however would you rather be suspicious or benevolent?

Without trust, there is not connection. Without connection there is no intimacy which is what we all, on a core level, crave.  Maybe we can each take some time in the coming week to do a check on how we are living our lives according to Brown's BRAVING elements.