Dynamic of Sex Addiction

The Switch

Have you ever been in a relationship and despite the trials, you hang in there, until one day…and then it is as if a switch flips and you are detached, ambivalent, and flat.  I have started referring to this as  "The Switch".

The interesting piece about this phenomena is that it doesn't seem to have a definitive precursor.  A friend of mine had been having problems in her relationship.  One day she asked her partner if he could make her some eggs due to her being rushed for work.  He said "no."  And at that moment she knew the relationship was over.

I have also seen this in my professional life working with individuals who are in the divorce process.  They are committed, invested in their partner's best interest even though they are separating, and then at some point, the process switches to "strictly business".

I have been asked if there is a way to "switch back".  I believe the answer is yes.  I use the metaphor of a fishing bobber.  You know those red and white round floatations that tell you where the fishing hook is.  They float around on top of the water, usually in a tranquil lake, sometimes to the left, sometimes to the right and constantly moving.  When the person reassesses and agrees to engage in the relationship again, they connect but tentatively and can move towards or away from the other person in subtle ways.

The uncertainty and instability can be hard on the other person in the relationship, especially if they do not understand was is happening.  This dynamic comes in to play with sex or porn addiction and the rebuilding of trust after a partner has found out about the secret activities.

To go from the fishing bobber to a more secure place in the relationship, there needs to be connection, respect, caring, admiration and expression of love from the person who has created the harm.  Whatever the infraction, the abandonment or overwhelm needs to be identified and addressed.  There is a call for self-reflection and expression of unmet needs from both.  Ironically, no matter how upset the rupture in relationships, I find both are craving the same pieces for connection.

Thanks for reading!

To Trust or Not to Trust...

I think we can agree that trust is one, if not the, cornerstone to important relationships.  Any relationship.  I get asked "when will I be able to trust again?"  "Will she ever be able to trust me?"  Partners who have experienced betrayal will ask themselves if they really are trusting their loved one, or not.

Trust is different than compassion, hope, fondness, caring and warmth.  You can have these feelings for someone and still not trust them.  As my previous post explored Brene Brown's break down of what trust is, there is another dynamic around trust.

There is no in between.  We either trust of we don't.  Like the scales below, you are either on one side or the other.

Let's say you completely trust your partner.  And this trust has built over months or even years.  Then one day, her phone rings, and she quickly answers it and hurries to the other room to talk, shutting the door behind her.  In this moment, your mind either justifies why this is no threat to the relationship, or, you begin to wonder if something...is going on.  And in that moment, trust is compromised.  It isn't completely broken necessarily, but, now there is doubt that something is wrong and fear or anxiety may appear.  You may go to your significant other and directly ask what is happening and may get an answer that eleviates suspicion and worry, then trust is restored, and no further thoughts of betrayal occur.  (Back to the other side of the scale), or you are not happy with the interaction, not trusting and continue to be on guard, apprehensive, perhaps more irritable and angry.

Can we control how and when we trust or not?  I, like many, would hope we could.  However, latest research points to unconscious workings in our nervous system which is the ultimate determiner.  Stephen Porges writes that when we are safe, neural networks in the body de-activate defensive responses.  It is only when we have a feeling of safety that we then can calm down, connect and engage.  In other words, we can trust again.  

I would invite you to create a list of people who you think you truly trust.  Not necessarily who you think you should trust, and notice how you feel emotionally and physically when you think of these people.  Does your heart open?  Do you get a warm comfy feeling?  Do you take a deep breath and does your body relax.  This is such a simple way to know how you are feeling about another person.  If your breath catches, you feel you are on pins and needles, you get dizzy of feel dissociated, then trust may not be part of your experience, even though you may want it to be.

Dancing Into Intimacy

Dancing Into Intimacy Workshop will be on June 7, 2015, Sunday from 9:30 a.m.  until 12:30 p.m.  The title sums up the essence of what we are doing.  Increasing intimacy is a basic desire for most couples.  However intimacy requires connection.  With sex addiction, but also what I am finding with couples in general, is that both people are not sure of what their role is in the relationship.  Communication has become ridden with misunderstanding, unresolved hurt feelings and protective mechanisms that inhibit warmth, connection, enjoyment and passion.  In this workshop we will be working with how it feels to come together with one person taking "the lead" and the other taking "the follow".  We play with switching off these energies through the morning.  When doing this work with individual couples comments such as "I feel so confident." and "I feel beautiful." also "We haven't connected like this in years!" are expressed.

I partner with a certified dance instructor, Allison Johnson, who is an expert in bringing out the best in people through partner dancing.  She is patient, competent and an amazing dancer.  I, as the psychotherapist, watch for all the subtleties that happen the moment the couple comes onto the dance floor.  Does her body say she is scared?  Does his body say he isn't fully in the relationship?  Do both stop breathing when they come into contact signaling anxiety, apprehension, a lack of trust?  Once revealed, we can work with all of it to invite some vulnerability, perhaps a lot of courage, clarity, and a whole lot of fun!

I am inviting all who would like to attend, therapists included.  Couples and individuals both can attend to learn more about yourself in relationship.  At least one insight is guaranteed! No dance experience is necessary.

Price is $149.00 per person.  Healthy snack, tea and coffee provided during a brief break.  Register at www.wendyconquest.com on the Payments Page.  See you there!