I recently gave a talk for RMBI the Rocky Mountain
BrainSpotting Institute and was asked if I could create a blog. My presentation was on sex addiction and
resulting spousal trauma. For ease of
writing I will be referring to the SA, sex addict, as “him” and the Partner as
“her”, however I see clients along the sexuality spectrum. Most sex addicts, (SA), come in after their
secret life has been found out. This
time is most commonly referred to as Discovery.
There is a lot happening for both the SA and the Partner – the SA experiences
shock and stress as his two worlds collide.
There is usually some relief that the secret is out. The Partner also experiences shock and
disbelief as she finds out her partner has a hidden life. We now know she goes into a freeze response
and becomes traumatized on many different levels. We also know he goes into similar shock which
can cause denial and minimization with the breadth and length of his behaviors.
I am asked if sex addiction is the same as other addictions
such as alcoholism, drug addiction, and gambling. The answer is yes…and no. To qualify for an addiction there are certain
criteria that are met. These include a
loss of control, previous attempts to stop, loss of time in the addiction,
preoccupation, an inability to fulfill obligations, continuing with the
behavior despite negative consequences, an escalation, social, occupational and
recreational losses, and withdrawal. The
reason it is different is that you can be angry with your partner if they are
drunk every night. And feelings are
intense if your home is in jeopardy from a gambling addiction. However, when your loved one chooses someone
else to be sexual with, and this includes images as well as real people, there
is a sense of rejection, humiliation and shame that is incomparable.
There is a common expectation that when the secret life of
the addict is found out that the partner will be surprised or in some sort of
shock, for a while, but then she will be able to quickly and competently look
at her part of the problem. What we are
now finding is that the effects on the partner are quite severe and are
categorized as Complex PTSD. I shared an
article by Dr. Omar Minwalla entitled Thirteen Dimensions of Sex
Addiction-Induced Trauma (SAIT) among Partners and Spouses Impacted by Sex
Addiction. This article can be found
on-line. The thirteen dimensions follow:
Discovery
Trauma
Disclosure Trauma
Reality-Ego
Fragmentation
Impact to Body and
Medical Intersection
External Crisis and
Destabilization
SAIT Hyper vigilance
and Re-Experiencing
Dynamics of
Perpetration, Violation and Abuse (SAIP)
Sexual Trauma
Gender Wounds and
Gender-Based Trauma (GBT)
Relational Trauma
and Attachment Injuries
Family, Communal
and Social Injuries
Treatment-Induced
Trauma
Existential and Spiritual Trauma
In the presentation we went into greater explanation
around Disclosure Trauma, Sexual Trauma, Treatment-Induced Trauma and
Existential Trauma. Throughout the
presentation my intent was to highlight entry points for Brainspotting. I talked about Treatment-Induced trauma since
I have many couples coming to me after they have been to other therapists. A common mistake among some couples’
therapists is to treat “an affair” as a one-off without seeking further to see
if there is a compulsive pattern around sex and sexuality. As a certified sex addiction therapist, I
have clients complete a 400+ questionnaire that compiles the data to determine
if there is sex addiction and to what extent as well as identify attachment
style, specific problem areas around the addiction and quantifying motivation
for change. I was asked where
participants could find this assessment.
It is only available to CSATs however I was asked the wonderful question
if I would collaborate with other therapists and the answer is “YES’! What a wonderful idea!
We talked about one event with sex addiction and spousal
trauma being multi-pronged. I am finding
that I clear one event, let’s say when the partner discovers or when the addict
is discovered and shame is one BSP point.
But then later another aspect of the discovery will pop up with not
being confident in knowing their inner voice, for the spouse, for example. The
main point is being aware of different dimensions that are attached to one
trauma with varying visual points for both the SA and the partner.
I talked about the book I wrote and published entitled
Letters To A Sex Addict: The Journey Through Grief and Betrayal, which is
available through me directly or through Amazon and Kindle. www.amazon.com or www.wendyconquest.com.
The book gives a visceral experience of what the partner
is going through. She may experience
isolation, rejection, invalidation from friends and family, church and the
culture. Confusion, shame and despair
result. I encourage therapists to have
the partner read the book and highlight parts that are applicable to them and
then Brainspot those. Clinicians have
the SA read the book to increase empathy and work on his shame targets. Couples therapists use the book in session as
a path to talk about the betrayal. There
is a short but thorough explanation of sex addiction in the introduction. If you have any questions after reading the
book please e-mail me! This book is the
only read which accurately reflects all the aspects of the spouses’ experience.
We talked about special considerations with BSP with the
partner. I start by having them listen
to the bilateral sounds and see if they calm down or if their anxiety
increases. If anxiety increases I
emphasize somatic pieces with grounding and getting them more stable before
proceeding with Brainspotting. If they
calm down I start with the resource eye on a resource spot. I am checking in with the body, not with
their interpretation if they are “ok” or feeling “good”. From there I move to different pieces of
whatever the current struggle is, whether that be “I hate him touching me” to
“I don’t feel safe”. Because the addict
usually is learning to distinguish between reality and dishonesty, many times
in early recovery he is not yet safe to the partner. I want to now help her clear the trauma to
get her instincts back on-line.
For the addicts, we are going back into history to find
out where the link between safety and sex, acceptance and sex began. This might be masturbating to calm down when
mom and dad were fighting, or using pornography to calm social anxiety. Perhaps a fetish started with neglect from
mom and dad. I want him to know that the
addiction is a very old and ineffective coping mechanism and that that is not
who he authentically is. Sometimes I
will start with more current trauma points such as the addiction being
discovered, feelings of worthlessness with causing pain to their partners, or
feeling inept, in general.
I announced the opening of my center, SACC, The Sex
Addiction Counseling Center which is in Boulder. I have two therapists currently working for
me and have the ambition to start a program for teens struggling with
pornography in 2016. Please visit the
web site at www.SACC.center to learn more!
Thank you so much for reading this blog!
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