Dynamic of Sex Addiction

The Switch

Have you ever been in a relationship and despite the trials, you hang in there, until one day…and then it is as if a switch flips and you are detached, ambivalent, and flat.  I have started referring to this as  "The Switch".

The interesting piece about this phenomena is that it doesn't seem to have a definitive precursor.  A friend of mine had been having problems in her relationship.  One day she asked her partner if he could make her some eggs due to her being rushed for work.  He said "no."  And at that moment she knew the relationship was over.

I have also seen this in my professional life working with individuals who are in the divorce process.  They are committed, invested in their partner's best interest even though they are separating, and then at some point, the process switches to "strictly business".

I have been asked if there is a way to "switch back".  I believe the answer is yes.  I use the metaphor of a fishing bobber.  You know those red and white round floatations that tell you where the fishing hook is.  They float around on top of the water, usually in a tranquil lake, sometimes to the left, sometimes to the right and constantly moving.  When the person reassesses and agrees to engage in the relationship again, they connect but tentatively and can move towards or away from the other person in subtle ways.

The uncertainty and instability can be hard on the other person in the relationship, especially if they do not understand was is happening.  This dynamic comes in to play with sex or porn addiction and the rebuilding of trust after a partner has found out about the secret activities.

To go from the fishing bobber to a more secure place in the relationship, there needs to be connection, respect, caring, admiration and expression of love from the person who has created the harm.  Whatever the infraction, the abandonment or overwhelm needs to be identified and addressed.  There is a call for self-reflection and expression of unmet needs from both.  Ironically, no matter how upset the rupture in relationships, I find both are craving the same pieces for connection.

Thanks for reading!

To Trust or Not to Trust...

I think we can agree that trust is one, if not the, cornerstone to important relationships.  Any relationship.  I get asked "when will I be able to trust again?"  "Will she ever be able to trust me?"  Partners who have experienced betrayal will ask themselves if they really are trusting their loved one, or not.

Trust is different than compassion, hope, fondness, caring and warmth.  You can have these feelings for someone and still not trust them.  As my previous post explored Brene Brown's break down of what trust is, there is another dynamic around trust.

There is no in between.  We either trust of we don't.  Like the scales below, you are either on one side or the other.

Let's say you completely trust your partner.  And this trust has built over months or even years.  Then one day, her phone rings, and she quickly answers it and hurries to the other room to talk, shutting the door behind her.  In this moment, your mind either justifies why this is no threat to the relationship, or, you begin to wonder if something...is going on.  And in that moment, trust is compromised.  It isn't completely broken necessarily, but, now there is doubt that something is wrong and fear or anxiety may appear.  You may go to your significant other and directly ask what is happening and may get an answer that eleviates suspicion and worry, then trust is restored, and no further thoughts of betrayal occur.  (Back to the other side of the scale), or you are not happy with the interaction, not trusting and continue to be on guard, apprehensive, perhaps more irritable and angry.

Can we control how and when we trust or not?  I, like many, would hope we could.  However, latest research points to unconscious workings in our nervous system which is the ultimate determiner.  Stephen Porges writes that when we are safe, neural networks in the body de-activate defensive responses.  It is only when we have a feeling of safety that we then can calm down, connect and engage.  In other words, we can trust again.  

I would invite you to create a list of people who you think you truly trust.  Not necessarily who you think you should trust, and notice how you feel emotionally and physically when you think of these people.  Does your heart open?  Do you get a warm comfy feeling?  Do you take a deep breath and does your body relax.  This is such a simple way to know how you are feeling about another person.  If your breath catches, you feel you are on pins and needles, you get dizzy of feel dissociated, then trust may not be part of your experience, even though you may want it to be.

Brene Brown's definition of trust

Oprah Winfrey hosted a talk by Brene Brown on trust.  With sex addiction or infidelity trust is a key component in healing.  However isn't this an integral component in all relationships?  I believe trusting each other is a large part of being human.  Current theories abound with our being hard wired in our brains to attach to other human beings.  In 2015, this can become complicated with leaving our families to pursue employment opportunities, sometimes in other states or countries.  Technology can scramble the brain as to who we are "connected to".  Information coming from multiple sources can create an overwhelm to our nervous systems as can demands around family, friends, and jobs.

Brene Brown outlines what creates trust with a nice acronym, B-R-A-V-I-N-G.

• B - Boundaries
• R - Reliability
• A - Accountability
• V - (the) Vault
• I - Integrity
• N - Non-judgement
• G - Generosity

Boundaries - This seems to have a negative connotation when I talk with people.  Stating where you stand allows others to become safe and know where they stand.

Reliability - Brene says this is you do what you say you are going to do and you do that over and over again.  I think of consistency when I hear this.

Accountability - this is about owning your part of things; apologizing when we make mistakes and making amends.

Vault - What I heard was, put simply, don't gossip.  And Brene explained it as 'what you share with me, I will hold in confidence'. And when someone else shares something, I do not share it with you or anyone else.

Integrity - Putting courage over comfort, practicing your values and putting right over fun, fast and easy.

Non-Judgement - Not having judgement and also being vulnerable enough to ask for help.  So, not being judgmental towards yourself or others is how I see this.

Generosity - Assume the most generous thing.  This rings with giving people the benefit of a doubt.  Some may think this is naive, however would you rather be suspicious or benevolent?

Without trust, there is not connection. Without connection there is no intimacy which is what we all, on a core level, crave.  Maybe we can each take some time in the coming week to do a check on how we are living our lives according to Brown's BRAVING elements.

BrainSpotting for sex addiction

I recently gave a talk for RMBI the Rocky Mountain BrainSpotting Institute and was asked if I could create a blog.   My presentation was on sex addiction and resulting spousal trauma.  For ease of writing I will be referring to the SA, sex addict, as “him” and the Partner as “her”, however I see clients along the sexuality spectrum.  Most sex addicts, (SA), come in after their secret life has been found out.  This time is most commonly referred to as Discovery.  There is a lot happening for both the SA and the Partner – the SA experiences shock and stress as his two worlds collide.  There is usually some relief that the secret is out.  The Partner also experiences shock and disbelief as she finds out her partner has a hidden life.  We now know she goes into a freeze response and becomes traumatized on many different levels.  We also know he goes into similar shock which can cause denial and minimization with the breadth and length of his behaviors.

I am asked if sex addiction is the same as other addictions such as alcoholism, drug addiction, and gambling.  The answer is yes…and no.  To qualify for an addiction there are certain criteria that are met.  These include a loss of control, previous attempts to stop, loss of time in the addiction, preoccupation, an inability to fulfill obligations, continuing with the behavior despite negative consequences, an escalation, social, occupational and recreational losses, and withdrawal.  The reason it is different is that you can be angry with your partner if they are drunk every night.  And feelings are intense if your home is in jeopardy from a gambling addiction.  However, when your loved one chooses someone else to be sexual with, and this includes images as well as real people, there is a sense of rejection, humiliation and shame that is incomparable.

There is a common expectation that when the secret life of the addict is found out that the partner will be surprised or in some sort of shock, for a while, but then she will be able to quickly and competently look at her part of the problem.  What we are now finding is that the effects on the partner are quite severe and are categorized as Complex PTSD.  I shared an article by Dr. Omar Minwalla entitled Thirteen Dimensions of Sex Addiction-Induced Trauma (SAIT) among Partners and Spouses Impacted by Sex Addiction.  This article can be found on-line.  The thirteen dimensions follow:

            Discovery Trauma

            Disclosure Trauma

            Reality-Ego Fragmentation

            Impact to Body and Medical Intersection

            External Crisis and Destabilization

            SAIT Hyper vigilance and Re-Experiencing

            Dynamics of Perpetration, Violation and Abuse (SAIP)

            Sexual Trauma

            Gender Wounds and Gender-Based Trauma (GBT)

            Relational Trauma and Attachment Injuries

            Family, Communal and Social Injuries

            Treatment-Induced Trauma

            Existential and Spiritual Trauma

In the presentation we went into greater explanation around Disclosure Trauma, Sexual Trauma, Treatment-Induced Trauma and Existential Trauma.  Throughout the presentation my intent was to highlight entry points for Brainspotting.  I talked about Treatment-Induced trauma since I have many couples coming to me after they have been to other therapists.  A common mistake among some couples’ therapists is to treat “an affair” as a one-off without seeking further to see if there is a compulsive pattern around sex and sexuality.  As a certified sex addiction therapist, I have clients complete a 400+ questionnaire that compiles the data to determine if there is sex addiction and to what extent as well as identify attachment style, specific problem areas around the addiction and quantifying motivation for change.  I was asked where participants could find this assessment.  It is only available to CSATs however I was asked the wonderful question if I would collaborate with other therapists and the answer is “YES’!  What a wonderful idea! 

We talked about one event with sex addiction and spousal trauma being multi-pronged.  I am finding that I clear one event, let’s say when the partner discovers or when the addict is discovered and shame is one BSP point.  But then later another aspect of the discovery will pop up with not being confident in knowing their inner voice, for the spouse, for example.   The main point is being aware of different dimensions that are attached to one trauma with varying visual points for both the SA and the partner.

I talked about the book I wrote and published entitled Letters To A Sex Addict: The Journey Through Grief and Betrayal, which is available through me directly or through Amazon and Kindle.  www.amazon.com or www.wendyconquest.com.

The book gives a visceral experience of what the partner is going through.  She may experience isolation, rejection, invalidation from friends and family, church and the culture.  Confusion, shame and despair result.  I encourage therapists to have the partner read the book and highlight parts that are applicable to them and then Brainspot those.  Clinicians have the SA read the book to increase empathy and work on his shame targets.  Couples therapists use the book in session as a path to talk about the betrayal.  There is a short but thorough explanation of sex addiction in the introduction.  If you have any questions after reading the book please e-mail me!  This book is the only read which accurately reflects all the aspects of the spouses’ experience.

We talked about special considerations with BSP with the partner.  I start by having them listen to the bilateral sounds and see if they calm down or if their anxiety increases.  If anxiety increases I emphasize somatic pieces with grounding and getting them more stable before proceeding with Brainspotting.  If they calm down I start with the resource eye on a resource spot.  I am checking in with the body, not with their interpretation if they are “ok” or feeling “good”.  From there I move to different pieces of whatever the current struggle is, whether that be “I hate him touching me” to “I don’t feel safe”.  Because the addict usually is learning to distinguish between reality and dishonesty, many times in early recovery he is not yet safe to the partner.  I want to now help her clear the trauma to get her instincts back on-line. 

For the addicts, we are going back into history to find out where the link between safety and sex, acceptance and sex began.  This might be masturbating to calm down when mom and dad were fighting, or using pornography to calm social anxiety.  Perhaps a fetish started with neglect from mom and dad.  I want him to know that the addiction is a very old and ineffective coping mechanism and that that is not who he authentically is.  Sometimes I will start with more current trauma points such as the addiction being discovered, feelings of worthlessness with causing pain to their partners, or feeling inept, in general.

I announced the opening of my center, SACC, The Sex Addiction Counseling Center which is in Boulder.  I have two therapists currently working for me and have the ambition to start a program for teens struggling with pornography in 2016.  Please visit the web site at www.SACC.center to learn more! 

Thank you so much for reading this blog!

You, Me, Us

When I work with couples, or in my groups, confusion arises on why there isn't a greater sense of intimacy in their relationship.  I have started exploring a concept of where intimacy lives and defining what it is.

The premise is, in our very busy lives, there is her life, his life, the coupleship and the family, using heterosexual terms.  How can we be conscious of where, at any moment, in which category we are manifesting?  When exploring the couple's life together the first question I ask is - what do you do together?  What are the activities you do as a couple?  Many times I get answers such as, we watch our favorite T.V. shows together or we go to our kid's sporting events, and we like to take walks.  All well if there is a sense of connection and that both people experience this.  The next question is - what does connection look and feel like for each person?  What sensations do you get in your body with connection?  Does being connected with your partner differ from being connected with your children, friends, family?  Whether, the answer is yes or no, we can  be curious.  In what ways has your connection with your partner become comfortable, predictable or even boring?  Has the ritual or what you do together lost its spark or excitement/pleasure/  Do you need to explore another activity or find a way to breathe new life into the current one?  You may still be "ok" with aspects of your current couples life, but, if I asked him/her how happy they were, what would they say?

There are pieces of life we don't have control over and this is one area we can have direct and dramatic influence.  I invite you to engage in a conversation with your special person and talk about what brings you joy in life.  If she is spending non-work time primarily at the golf range and he is with the dog on walks - where do your likes, loves, passions bump up against each other?  Is the only place you connect in the bedroom?  Is how you connect and the amount you interact enough for both of you?  Once you both are honest with yourself, and then honest with each other, carve out the time - it will be worth it!

Dancing Into Intimacy

Dancing Into Intimacy Workshop will be on June 7, 2015, Sunday from 9:30 a.m.  until 12:30 p.m.  The title sums up the essence of what we are doing.  Increasing intimacy is a basic desire for most couples.  However intimacy requires connection.  With sex addiction, but also what I am finding with couples in general, is that both people are not sure of what their role is in the relationship.  Communication has become ridden with misunderstanding, unresolved hurt feelings and protective mechanisms that inhibit warmth, connection, enjoyment and passion.  In this workshop we will be working with how it feels to come together with one person taking "the lead" and the other taking "the follow".  We play with switching off these energies through the morning.  When doing this work with individual couples comments such as "I feel so confident." and "I feel beautiful." also "We haven't connected like this in years!" are expressed.

I partner with a certified dance instructor, Allison Johnson, who is an expert in bringing out the best in people through partner dancing.  She is patient, competent and an amazing dancer.  I, as the psychotherapist, watch for all the subtleties that happen the moment the couple comes onto the dance floor.  Does her body say she is scared?  Does his body say he isn't fully in the relationship?  Do both stop breathing when they come into contact signaling anxiety, apprehension, a lack of trust?  Once revealed, we can work with all of it to invite some vulnerability, perhaps a lot of courage, clarity, and a whole lot of fun!

I am inviting all who would like to attend, therapists included.  Couples and individuals both can attend to learn more about yourself in relationship.  At least one insight is guaranteed! No dance experience is necessary.

Price is $149.00 per person.  Healthy snack, tea and coffee provided during a brief break.  Register at www.wendyconquest.com on the Payments Page.  See you there!

Building More Fulfilling Relationships - The Bridge

There is a concept that has been coming into my sessions with clients when we are talking about their relationships.  I often, along with the people I work with, see things in pictures.  The image of a bridge has surfaced.  A bridge links one piece of land or matter to another.  The link can be over water, sometimes a stream and then perhaps a part of the ocean; a deep gorge; somewhere in the jungle; or within a building.  If you look at your relationship as a bridge, what type is it?  What is the first thought that comes into your mind?  Does the thought of something like the London Bridge come up?  Or perhaps one of those old, mossy foot bridges that sway when you step on it.  Could it be a covered wooden bridge?  And, is this what you want it to be?  If not, what needs to happen to change the look and feel of this relationship representation?

We can also look at the pieces that make up your bridge with your loved one?  Is it that you laugh a lot together and enjoy gardening?  Is it that you both are great parents together and love to cook?  Perhaps you like the same t.v. shows, going out to dinner and have a wonderful sexual connection?  Are there parts to the bridge that could be stronger - or more flexible?  Are there some places in the connection that need to be repaired?

I invite you to try on this exercise.  Let me know how it goes.  I would welcome hearing your experience.